Proverbs 25:25 - 26:1

like cold water to a thirsty soul, 

so is good news from a far country. 

like a muddied spring or a polluted fountain is 

a righteous man who gives way before the wicked. 

it is not good to eat much honey, 

nor is it glorious to seek one's own glory. 

a man without self-control is like a 

city broken into and left without walls. 

like snow in summer or rain in harvest, 

SO HONOR IS NOT FITTING FOR A FOOL.

My Anthem.

1 Peter 4:8

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, for love covers a multitude of sins. 

Untitled.

this week has been close to perfect.

i have discovered new music that lifts the spirit, mind & feet. i've spent time with every member of my family ... cuddled with babies, laughed with the sis, drank tea with the mama, and spent time with mi padre & my little brother. i've spent hours in my new perfect car (which i will post pictures of soon) listening to john mayer sing about sayin' goodbye & being perfectly lonely, while deep red leaves fell from above & freezing cold breezes pushed their way through the cracked window and down my neck, reminding me that it's fall ... the most cozy & romantic season of all. i've met, and been invited into the worlds of some amazing women who have unknowingly uplifted my downcast spirit and encouraged and shaped the vision for my future. i have become part of a community in my school that is fun and different and purposeful about loving and taking care of people. i've spent evenings home alone, thinking for hours about who i am, who i desire to become, how i might get there, and the kinds of people i hope come into my life to assist in my journey.

today i spent my afternoon at a women's shelter that i am doing some observation work at.  as i stood over a copy machine, scanning paper after paper, i chatted with some of the residents. while rocking babies in their laps and between cigarette drags and sips of sprite, they told their stories to each other ... stories of strength and brokenness. i heard words that expressed the emptiness of neglect, the ugliness of hatred and the distortion of mankind in ways that i never have before. my soul was heavy, my chest burning with grief for them, i wanted to sob with and for them ... but i was glad to hear about their lives. grateful that they didn't treat me like the outcast that i was ... the different one ... the one who's had an easy & simple life ... the one with the dress and the tights and the boots ... the one who doesn't get it. to me, their stories were gut-wrenching and deserving of praise and admiration. to them, it's just life ... just the way it is. they were funny and silly and contemplative and underestimated and possessing the kind of beauty that i have not seen in a very long time. that kind of beauty - the kind that's developed through trials and deep pain and suffering and a hard, hard life that's not masked by fear or pride - it's not easy to come by.

my favorite part of the day:

i held a breathtakingly beautiful baby boy. 

29 days old. perfect caramel skin. big pouty, pink lips. hazel eyes that shimmered in the afternoon sun. tiny adorable frizzy curls atop his mini head. we stood out on the porch together for what seemed to be a lifetime. he & i just looking at each other, examining the differences in one another, taking each other in. i think my blue eyes were a new site for him, he stared and stared and stared. i tucked his tiny little toes deep into his blanket and sang him a soft song while we swayed back and forth, back and forth. 

what a precious thing a child is. perfect and innocent and kind and unaware and new and fresh and forgiving. when given a quiet moment alone with one, a baby can almost always bring me to tears. children are a beautiful thing. they deserve to be protected and cherished and loved and desired more than anything else on this earth. they are the outpouring of a good and gracious God ... the way He chose to bless His people ... the ultimate gift and personification of love and intimacy. what a beautiful mind God has ... 

if only we could imitate Him more closely. 

this kind of raw reality is refreshing to me. it's days like these that make me feel the most ALIVE.

to see the Father's goodness around every corner is a tough task ... but when His grace allows me to do so, what a beautiful day it becomes. what a beautiful world i can see, that is groaning to be set free from pain and suffering, deceit and perversion ... to have its eyes unveiled. what beautiful people i notice, who are demeaned and rejected and hated. what a good and simple life i have, that has been sneered and poked fun at because it hadn't seemed to hold enough adventure or glamour or romance. what a wild and crazy vision i have, that has been clouded too long by foolishness, loneliness, and ignorant self-pity.

such good change has been waiting for me ... 

what a good revelation.  

as you come to Him, the living Stone

 - rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to Him - 

you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual 

house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual 

sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. 

- 1 peter 2: 4&5-

now ... listen (on youtube) & LOVE

1 John: Love.

that which we have seen and heard we proclaim to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. and we are writing these things too so that our joy may be complete. 1 j. 1:3 & 4

God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all. 1 j. 1:5

for this is the message the you have heard from the beginning ... 

that we should love one another. 1 j. 3:11

... we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. 1 j. 3:16

let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. 1 j. 3:18

beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 j. 4:7

so we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. by this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgement, because as he is so also are we in this world. 1 j. 4:16 & 17

how far i have strayed from the state of loveliness i ought to be in. what a beautiful thing, to spend time with God. THEE God ... one and only ... true, just & holy above all other things. 

Father, teach me to love ... You, the people around me, myself. You are faithful and good no matter what. Thank you. It is well with my soul. None can deny your goodness. Not one. Not even the trees or the bushes can deny Your glory. They dance and create the music of nature in awe of You. You abide in all things ... even the seemingly ugly, You are there. You are full of grace for me. Why? Thank you. Fix me. Renew me. Revive me. Teach me. Make me Your own. Take the nasty & make it graceful and kind. 

Amen. 

Bittersweet.

i hate the times ... days, weeks, hours...that i discover the nasty in my life. when a polished, fun-loving layer is peeled back to reveal a dirty, insecure, confused mass that needs some serious work in order to set my mind, body and soul straight. my spirit feels heavy and my ideas and hope are weak. it is a miserable state.

the worst part:

my lack of spiritual upkeep is to blame.

my forgetfulness and laziness is to blame.

my desire for false acceptance & adventure is to blame.

my unfaithful nature is to blame.

i am to blame.

the best part:
i recognize it.

i feel it.

i hate it.
i open my Bible and find things like this...

"He is the radiance of the glory of God ... the exact
imprint of His nature, and He upholds the
universe by the word of His power." hebrews 1:3

"the Spirit of the Lord is upon me ... He has
sent me to bind up the broken hearted and to
proclaim liberty.... To grant those who mourn a
beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the
garments of praise instead of a faint spirit."
isaiah 61:1-3

"walk as children of light." ephesians 5:9

"no, in all these things we are more than
conquerors through Him ... neither death nor
life, nor angels or rulers, nor things present nor
things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation will be able to
separate us from the love of God in
Christ Jesus our Lord." romans 8:37-38

and then i remember that i have a God that, for some odd reason, will NOT let go of me. i feel as if He chases after me...hard. as i'm running fast against the wind and the rain away from Him, looking shamefully, tearfully, angrily over my shoulder to see if He's catching up, He always is. and then His forearm slings roughly around my waste and jerks me backward...back into truth. it's like i can't escape Him.

and i am thankful. thankful. thankful.

for His grace and persistence and relentless love.

i am not worthy, but am still a recipient.
for He is good.

These Days...

Here are a few things that i am loving these days...

1.  Denise Andrade; Boho Girl Blog -- it's thought-provoking and artistic and down-to-earth. she lives - and has the guts to document - a beautiful, admirable life.

2.  Psalm 16:5-11

Lord, you have assigned my

portion, and You have made my

lot secure

The boundaries have fallen for me in

pleasant places; Surely i have a 

delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord who counsels

me; Even in the night, my heart

instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before

me.... You have made known to me the

path of life. You will fill me with joy

in Your presence, with eternal

pleasures at Your right hand.

3.  Regina Spektors newest album...Far...she is one of the most creative/interesting artists i have continuously enjoyed in a long time. these songs/music videos of hers are neat: 2 = a little overboard, i know

Laughing With

regina spektor | MySpace Music Videos

4.  Purchasing used books that i have absolutely no use for. there is a tiny used bookstore in the basement of my school's library...its sinfully cheap books & elderly lady staff member who wears terribly cute jumpers & seasoned high heels support my slightly wasteful vice.

5.  And last but not least...photo-shoots & wrestle matches with these varmints (that i am quite fond of). my sparse time spent with these two, their little brother, and my older sister have become my saving grace during the perils of the end of spring semester.

        

       niece & nephew; beck & evie

in other news: 

the weather in STL has been perfect the last few days. these are the days i long for as a cry myself to sleep in the middle of the hot, sticky, completely gross st. louis july. 

Above All...

1 Peter 4:1-11

Therefore Christ suffered in the flesh,

arm yourselves with the same way of thinking,

for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin,

so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh

no longer for human passions but for the will of God.

... The end of things is at hand;

therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded ...

ABOVE ALL, keep loving one another earnestly,

since love covers a multitude of sins.

Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. Is each has received a gift,

use it to serve on another, as good stewards of God's varied grace:

Whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God;

whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies --

in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ.

To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever.

Amen.

dear friends,

this is the lesson i am learning. no matter how much pain they have caused me...or the people i love...no matter how ignorant i think they are...or selfish or prideful or repulsive or mean...

He Still Loves Them.

no matter how much i don't want to....above all, i must keep on loving them, because love covers their sins just as it does mine. in fact, it covers a multitude of sins. and i don't live anymore for the passions -- whether fiery or joyful -- of the flesh, but for the will of God.

the only thing that helps me is to make myself stop thinking about my disdain towards them and take note of His presence. i had to turn on music that reminds me of who He is...beautiful, beloved, clothed in glory and justice, truthful, and peaceful. then i had to cry. then i had to read His words.

it worked a little.

He breathed His life inside of me a little.

that's all.

A Wild-Spirited God

i just started reading John Piper's book, Finally Alive...a passage in the introduction set me off on a thinking trail that has landed me in a pool of inspiration & gratitude.

i am a dreamer. i am compassionate, and i long to see the world healed of the evil and perversion that lurk and prowl throughout it. i long to live differently & simply. i do not want the same kind of life that everyone else has...not for the mere sake of being different, but for the sake of living fully and beautifully and righteously. and sometimes, most times, that means taking a more difficult, time consuming, different path.

all to say that, deep down, i am a free spirit. and something that i have wrested with for the past few years is that in the Christian organizations that i have been a part of, free spirits aren't very well accepted. people think that my questions are annoying, and my frustrations with the church and self-professed "Christians" are immature or judgmental. a lot of adults, using their "gifts of wisdom," inform me that my dreams are too big and that my education will not make me enough money. many people my age don't understand why i block texting from my phone and constantly want to delete my facebook account...why i don't want to be readily available to the disconnected, shallow web-world that awaits. sometimes even my own family doesn't understand me.

simply put: i have felt lately on my journey of self-discovery, that i do not fit in the Christian communities that i have found myself a part of. i feel out of place in church and misunderstood by church goers. this is one huge area in my life that i have never been able to tie to my faith. for me, my weird nature has never fit with my God. i would sometimes think that there was something wrong with me...that i hadn't really let God have all of me. that i was holding out in this one area, retaining a little of my rebellious kick. it was like i needed to be delivered from the "naughty demon," and then i would fit, like a nice Christian girl, into every church service, pew, and goody-two-shoes small group (which are not bad things...please understand that my intent here is not to 'bash' church activities & communities, but to simply relay my inner struggles & feelings).

and then, this morning, in the intro of a J.P.'s newest book, i came across this scripture:

"The wind blows wherever it pleases...

You hear its sound, but you cannot tell

where it comes from or where it is going.

So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

John 3:8

to this misfit spirit, those words caught my soul and made it soar. how have i never read this scripture before? how could i have been so blind & ignorant to this side of God? all day i have not been able to erase from my mind a picture of a field of golden grain waving beneath the free-spirited, crazy-hearted grace of God. He showed me that, ultimately, my soul answers to Him. ultimately, my life not being full of hatred, bitterness, and judgement is a reflection of the abounding love that He is giving me. ultimately, "they" don't matter because this is not my home. my feeling of being displaced is a correct one. i am right, and although it feels pretty crumby sometimes, i. don't. fit. here. ultimately, i was made to dream and to love and to get my tattoos and to wear my weird shoes and to not like facebook and to get jittery and irritated during sermons that don't sit right with my spirit and to question my friends when they say things that don't make sense and to have spiky hairy legs and to want dreads and to anticipate having a job that will cause me strife and tears and pain and confusion and frustration...
that is who i am...and although i do not fit in at church and i do not fit in at Bible school and i do not fit in at a young adults group, i fit with Him. our spirits mesh and click and get each other like nothing else on earth. He goes to and fro, gliding with the twists and turns of the wind...and so do i. nobody knows where we are from because we're wild and crazy. people will write my address in pencil and wonder at my strange existence (the vision & the vow, Greig). for the rest of my life, people won't "get" me...but He will.

i am born of the Spirit, and therefore i am free.

Accomplishment; Victory.

it's been a long year. 2009 wasn't easy for this girl.

i began by leaving North Central...the city...my friends...my job...my spiritual soaking place. i moved 'home'; a place that my parents had lived for less than a year and that i'd visited only once. i have spent the last year wallowing in the deepest loneliness i have ever felt. i have been so up and down with my dedication to God that it makes me sick. i have searched and searched and searched for fulfillment in a lot of empty and dark places. i have come to realize my foolishness...and am learning to regret and accept my poor decisions more and more everyday. i have finally seen and am beginning to learn about one of the most obvious truths ever...that Jesus holds onto me no matter what.

all to say...2009 was a rough year for me.

today i ran in the 32nd annual St. Patricks day race in St. Louis.

i have been sporadically (and poorly) training for this race for about 6 weeks.

i went alone. 

i ran alone. 

i finished. 

5 miles in 1 hour & 3 minutes. 

i did well. 

i did great. 

i was/am extremely proud of myself. 

when i rounded that corner...knees weak, lungs tired, feet a'burnin' ... i saw the finish line and i was glad that it was almost over. knowing that the end was so close, i almost slowed down...i almost walked. almost. but instead i picked up my pace. i ran faster. i started passing people. one after the other, i watched them slowly fall behind me as i raced towards the finish line. and when i approached, i could not believe the time on the clock. ticking away, it read 1:03:15. my mind raced with disbelief...I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES. i thought for sure i'd finish in an hour and twenty minutes or so. as i crossed over that line and my pace slowed, i couldn't believe that i did so well. my first race ever and i not only finished, but i exceeded my own (realistic) expectations. after i'd worked my way through the thousands of people to the sidewalk and began the trek back to my car, i searched for my phone. when my mom answered and i told her my finishing time the reality of my success sunk in. tears welled in my eyes and my voice cracked. my mom didn't know it but i started crying right there on the city sidewalk with 9,000 people around me. we hung up after she congratulated me and tears burned behind my eyes. i felt dumb ... i didn't know why i was almost crying ... so i didn't let the tears out. i walked to my car in the basement of a garage and as soon as i fell into the drivers seat of my car and pulled the door shut, the tears came out. rushing. lots of them. i couldn't stop crying. i kept saying, "i did it. and i did it well. i did it." 

i cried almost the my whole drive home. 

36 minutes of tears and disbelief. 

this was the first time i have ever been proud of myself. 

my first real accomplishment. 

my first victory over a challenge. 

my first unique achievement ...

and it feels great.

i think today marked a new beginning for me.

today felt beautiful and rewarding.

i gained a little of my confidence back.

Jesus helped me finish that race for a reason.

early morning shot ... with my two super heroes in capes to wish me luck!

1 Corinthians 9

²⁴Do you not know that in a race all the runners run,

but only one gets the prize?

Run in such a way as to get the prize.

 ²⁵Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ²⁶Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. ²⁷No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.