whoa, nelly ... it's been a long time.

i know that i am supposed to "enjoy today" ... "live in the moment" ... 

"not yearn for tomorrow, for it isn't promised" ... 

yeah. i know. 

but i can't help it. 

i am ready for the next stage in life. so ready.

i have senioritis. bad. 

i miss my boyfriend. bad. 

i want to spend these autumn afternoons frolicking in 

pumpkin patches with my best friend. bad. 

i want to be in grad school, living downtown chicago. bad. 

i want, i want, i want. 

life is good. it's nice and comfortable and i am blessed. 

i am still applying myself, and not grumpy and stressed all the time although, i have my days  ...

i am doing well. for real. 

there are rough days, but i'm well.

71/2 months and counting. 

graduation & moving day will come soon!

100th Post.

Dear, Matthew ...  I just want you to know that I am completely in love with you. Most everything in my days makes me think of or wish for you in some way. You are truthfulness and tenderness in so many of the areas that I need it. You remind me what it looks like to mix strength and kindness into one. My spirit and body long for you during our times apart. No one compares to your presence in my life. You enrich my everyday ... When you're sad or hurt, all I want is to be near you. To run my fingers through your hair. To kiss your forehead. To love, love, love you. When I have a bad day or am feeling my loneliness, literally ALL I want is you ... Your eyes to look into, your hands to hold, your chest to lie on, your jokes to giggle at, your kisses to make me feel alive.

I miss you, and I'm proud to be yours .. But most of all, I'm crazy about you.

You're my boy. Thank you for loving me.

Baby, You're a Firework!

july 4th celebrations were perfect. 

i spent the weekend in chicago suburbs with a group of friends many of which i rarely get to see  and matt & i threw a party at his house! the day was dreamy with a high of 86, unveiled sunshine, and waves of perfect breeze throughout the afternoon that turned into a pretty sunset sky & cool summer evening.

as the night went on i forgot more and more to take pictures. which is sad, because the after-fireworks party was whimsical and cozy. but we had a fab time ... here's the proof! 

1. Matt's daddy grilling with a friend     2. me & two of my favorite ladies     3 & 4. chatty, handsome boys

summer in chicago = big sunglasses

buddies playing bags

1. bros ;)     2. me & bruce!

everybody hangin'

1. me eating     2. chris & ruth ... new friends!     3. edith & her piece of AWESOME american flag cake     4. sunset jeff     5. matt & i     6. waiting for fireworks!

the back deck ... ready for drink creations & snacking!

and that, my friends, is where the pictures ended ... 

but the party did not. 

Days Like These.

white tank tops

dirty hair

clean teeth

no pants

no makeup

trace bundy

thunderstorms

homework

thinking of my boy

dreaming of chicago

rose petals

good morning.

m a k e   t o d a y   b e a u t i f u l

this season in life is weird.
it's not necessarily where i want to be, but i cannot imagine leaving yet.
i wish i were elsewhere, but i am grateful for the good things here. i needed them.
i want the next step ... season ... adventure ...
but there are things here that i will mourn when they are gone.
it's not my favorite, but i love it.


right now a song is playing ... its lyrics are perfect for me ...

i have decided, i have resolved to wait upon the Lord.
my rock & redeemer shall not be moved.
as surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us.
as certain as the dawn appears.




the word RESOLVED makes me think of being STEADFAST, which i read about yesterday morning:

                                to settle or find a solution;

                                      decide firmly on a course of action.

"Let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, 
lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously 
to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him as in faith, 
with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is drive 
and tossed by the wind." James 1:4-6

STEADFASTNESS: dutifully firm & unwavering.

how do i do all of this?
how do i resolve to be steadfast? how do i ask for wisdom from the One who gives generously? how do i have faith?

a few months ago when i was dealing with a situation and very worried and nervous and ridiculous, my oh-so-wise mama told me i was being silly. she reminded me that the Bible offers step by step instruction for people in my exact situation ...
this is the verse she quoted to me:


The Lord is at hand, do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by 
prayer and supplication with thanksgiving 
LET YOUR REQUEST BE KNOWN TO GOD.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
philippians 4:6 & 7

SUPPLICATION: to ask or beg for something earnestly or humbly.

there i have it. all laid out for me.
now it's my turn ... to accept grace & follow directions.

Through Your mercies I am not consumed.

Family Parties.

this weekend i turned 24 ... more specifics & other festivities to come

my whole family got together for a birthday din.
 my mom created a fabulous meal as always of all my favs ...
bruschetta, asparagus, roasted potatoes & carrots, baked chick, wine & lemonade. perfect!


here's everyone that i love:

 1 2 & 3:  him & i

 1.  daddy     2.  hulk carrying wounded babes to safety    3.  evie & i

1.  my brother & sister ♥     2. scrunch    3.  dog breath    4. funny sissys

1.  mama kisses    2. mom, ash, eve & britt with no eyes

1 2 & 3:  the cutest boy i'll ever know

Daddy's Birthday

parenthood.

something i know close to nothing about.


but i do know this ...  

mine did it right. 

they raised three pretty stinkin' good kids, if i do say so myself.

my older sister, younger brother, and i all have good minds, deep hearts, strong convictions, distinct personalities, big dreams, and a love for Christ that is real ... that we cannot escape. our love for Him is part of our identity, it's all of our identity, who we are. it is our essence. without Him in thought, theory, or word i am pretty sure that all three of us would be lost, unidentified,
& confused. 

MY DAD. 

the head of our home ... he lives and breathes for Truth.
he studies it and teaches it and pours it and himself into other people because he wants them to understand what they believe and read ... he wants them to meet the glory of God and know the depth of His words. he is smart. he is wise. he is not a push-over. he is a man who stands for Truth no matter the cost ...
his pride, his job, his reputation, his happiness, his comfort.

he doesn't care.
the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the single most important thing
to him and he does not waiver in his pursuit of knowing it better ...
and helping others to do the same.

one of the best lessons i have learned from my dad - something he has modeled for me throughout my whole life -
is to never be afraid to ask for forgiveness.
although he is the head of our home, the man, the leader, the Big Guy ...
my father has never shown a hesitancy towards coming to me, his child, to ask for my forgiveness.
 over the years i have come to realize that asking for forgiveness is never weak or foolish ... but it is the resemblance of Christ within one's own spirit, the searching for oneness and unity with his or her brothers and sisters through humility ...
it is biblical and honorable, to the core.
over the years i have come to cherish this lesson. to be able to go to someone i have wronged or offended or been harsh with and ask them to forgive me, to have mercy on me, to trust me again, to be tender with me ... that is a sweet and vulnerable thing ... and because i have had it modeled through my father  the figure of strength and power in my life  ... i can do it.




people all over the country cherish my father and his fervency for teaching & relaying Truth.
he is respected by hundreds of people as a spiritual leader and source of wisdom.
he is a biblical teacher and one who will never lose his love and search for knowledge.

he is my dad.
daddy.
padre.
i will know him forever.
i have a connection with him that will never die.
i cannot be separated from him ... no matter the distance, the conflict, the growing-up ...
i am his & he is mine.

forever.


and i am proud to belong to him.

Happy Birthday, Dad. 
sorry you're alone today  :(