Saturday, April 24, 2010

A Wild-Spirited God

i just started reading John Piper's book, Finally Alive...a passage in the introduction set me off on a thinking trail that has landed me in a pool of inspiration & gratitude.

i am a dreamer. i am compassionate, and i long to see the world healed of the evil and perversion that lurk and prowl throughout it. i long to live differently & simply. i do not want the same kind of life that everyone else has...not for the mere sake of being different, but for the sake of living fully and beautifully and righteously. and sometimes, most times, that means taking a more difficult, time consuming, different path.

all to say that, deep down, i am a free spirit. and something that i have wrested with for the past few years is that in the Christian organizations that i have been a part of, free spirits aren't very well accepted. people think that my questions are annoying, and my frustrations with the church and self-professed "Christians" are immature or judgmental. a lot of adults, using their "gifts of wisdom," inform me that my dreams are too big and that my education will not make me enough money. many people my age don't understand why i block texting from my phone and constantly want to delete my facebook account...why i don't want to be readily available to the disconnected, shallow web-world that awaits. sometimes even my own family doesn't understand me.

simply put: i have felt lately on my journey of self-discovery, that i do not fit in the Christian communities that i have found myself a part of. i feel out of place in church and misunderstood by church goers. this is one huge area in my life that i have never been able to tie to my faith. for me, my weird nature has never fit with my God. i would sometimes think that there was something wrong with me...that i hadn't really let God have all of me. that i was holding out in this one area, retaining a little of my rebellious kick. it was like i needed to be delivered from the "naughty demon," and then i would fit, like a nice Christian girl, into every church service, pew, and goody-two-shoes small group (which are not bad things...please understand that my intent here is not to 'bash' church activities & communities, but to simply relay my inner struggles & feelings).

and then, this morning, in the intro of a J.P.'s newest book, i came across this scripture:

"The wind blows wherever it pleases...
You hear its sound, but you cannot tell
where it comes from or where it is going.
So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."
John 3:8

to this misfit spirit, those words caught my soul and made it soar. how have i never read this scripture before? how could i have been so blind & ignorant to this side of God? all day i have not been able to erase from my mind a picture of a field of golden grain waving beneath the free-spirited, crazy-hearted grace of God. He showed me that, ultimately, my soul answers to Him. ultimately, my life not being full of hatred, bitterness, and judgement is a reflection of the abounding love that He is giving me. ultimately, "they" don't matter because this is not my home. my feeling of being displaced is a correct one. i am right, and although it feels pretty crumby sometimes, i. don't. fit. here. ultimately, i was made to dream and to love and to get my tattoos and to wear my weird shoes and to not like facebook and to get jittery and irritated during sermons that don't sit right with my spirit and to question my friends when they say things that don't make sense and to have spiky hairy legs and to want dreads and to anticipate having a job that will cause me strife and tears and pain and confusion and frustration...
that is who i am...and although i do not fit in at church and i do not fit in at Bible school and i do not fit in at a young adults group, i fit with Him. our spirits mesh and click and get each other like nothing else on earth. He goes to and fro, gliding with the twists and turns of the wind...and so do i. nobody knows where we are from because we're wild and crazy. people will write my address in pencil and wonder at my strange existence (the vision & the vow, Greig). for the rest of my life, people won't "get" me...but He will.

i am born of the Spirit, and therefore i am free.


Mrs. B. said...

...aaand it's a lady. Ok.

Mrs. B. said...

I like this post. And I especially like that guy in the picture.