one that is tangible, alive, honest & vibrant ... to both myself and those around me.
a life that will dance with greatness in my memories when i am old.
one that will scream and laugh and cry ... all with deep passion.
one that will not wallow in limbo because of fear or uncertainty.
one that will sing the songs of souls ... the Lords, my own, anthems of others spirits.
i want to be wild
and wise ... hilarious
and serious ... impulsive
and reliable.
i want a lot of things.
and i think i might be able to pull it off.
... i believe.
to live the kind of life that i long for will require me to have
1: the ability to discern, in all things, the more *beautiful of options,
2: guts,
and
3: love.
*beautiful (in my vocabulary): pertaining to
adding goodness, richness, joy or truth to
ones existence ... mine, theirs, ours, His.
on the contrary, The Beautiful is not necessarily
always the most easy or enticing of choices;
it can be deceiving. sometimes it hides beneath
the dirty or the broken or the seemingly mundane.
it's tricky, that Beautiful essence.
this week ... yes, while on vacation ... i learned & re-learned a few lessons that my
Self needed desperately.
i was reminded that
i have some of the greatest friends in the world.
i know, i know ... i say that all the stinkin' time. but seriously ... there are times when i look around or think upon my friends and cannot imagine a more accepting, fun-loving, kind group of people. they're crazy and strange and loud and say cuss words sometimes ... but they are freakin' funny ... and there isn't a place in the world that i feel more at home or at peace than in their company.
and that's honest.
there also isn't anything in the world that i've ever missed more than i do them right now.
... that's honest too.
MY GIRLS:
you are the ones who encourage my spirit & remind me that
"home" does exist.
you know me inside and out ... you listen to stupid music with me ... you laugh at my lame-o jokes
and i at yours ... you know my dreams & my past wounds, and you push me to deal with both ... you make me hurt with laughter ... and you accept my tears.
you are the ones my soul longs for most ... you are my companions through it all.
thank you, thank you, thank you.
THE BOYS:
you are hilarious
and true
and full of power,
strength & talent.
your deep, booming voices, gentle smiles and totally charming laughs were comfort & relaxation to me in a time in my life that i needed desperately to feel some sort of community ... sodality ...
friendship.
you have captivating thoughts & dreams ... believe in yourselves ... live your holy, wild adventures ...
and take us girls along for the ride, because we think the world of you.
MOVING ON.
i fell back into love with music last week.
i had forgotten what it felt like to lose myself in rhythms and expression and harmonies.
i had forgotten how free i feel when it hits me.
how good and right my world becomes when i enter its realm.
i soaked in its emotion & appreciated its ability to take me to another place ... a more holy place.
i remembered that
IT is my main connection to my Father.
i also had a new experience with it;
music & i got to know each other in a new world.
i recorded for the first time ever last week ...
and it scared the crap out of me.
i was nervous, afraid, and completely unsure of myself and my abilities.
but
- as it usually happens in situations like those - there was someone there that wasn't bothered by my jittery hands or rosy cheeks or awkward silence ... he just strummed his guitar, told me i was great and raised his eyebrows at me as if to say, "really? don't try that nervous act ...
you're doing it anyway."
that's how i felt, at least.
little did he know, that's exactly what i needed.
a push. a shove. a kind, but forceful,
"oh yes, you are."
because now i am completely in love with & amazed by hearing my voice come out of a speaker. not to mention, i might be a little addicted ...
i have to record again.
thank you, mr. mccague, truly.
my vacation was refreshing and perfect and silly.
i learned more about myself ... who i am, who i have been, who i should be & who i desire to be ...
and more about my God ... how He chases after me and longs for my love and delights in my presence, and i in His. it was good, through and through ... and although the last two days, without all the buddies, have not been very pleasant for me, i am grateful to know that they are out there, to have them when i can & to love them always.
dear friends,
i miss
love
and believe greatly in each of you.
thanks for the fun ...
see you soon.
may the Lord bless you and keep you;
may He make His face to shine upon you &
be gracious to you; may the Lord turn his face toward you & give you peace.
numbers 6:24
