Bittersweet.

i hate the times ... days, weeks, hours...that i discover the nasty in my life. when a polished, fun-loving layer is peeled back to reveal a dirty, insecure, confused mass that needs some serious work in order to set my mind, body and soul straight. my spirit feels heavy and my ideas and hope are weak. it is a miserable state.

the worst part:

my lack of spiritual upkeep is to blame.

my forgetfulness and laziness is to blame.

my desire for false acceptance & adventure is to blame.

my unfaithful nature is to blame.

i am to blame.

the best part:
i recognize it.

i feel it.

i hate it.
i open my Bible and find things like this...

"He is the radiance of the glory of God ... the exact
imprint of His nature, and He upholds the
universe by the word of His power." hebrews 1:3

"the Spirit of the Lord is upon me ... He has
sent me to bind up the broken hearted and to
proclaim liberty.... To grant those who mourn a
beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the
garments of praise instead of a faint spirit."
isaiah 61:1-3

"walk as children of light." ephesians 5:9

"no, in all these things we are more than
conquerors through Him ... neither death nor
life, nor angels or rulers, nor things present nor
things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation will be able to
separate us from the love of God in
Christ Jesus our Lord." romans 8:37-38

and then i remember that i have a God that, for some odd reason, will NOT let go of me. i feel as if He chases after me...hard. as i'm running fast against the wind and the rain away from Him, looking shamefully, tearfully, angrily over my shoulder to see if He's catching up, He always is. and then His forearm slings roughly around my waste and jerks me backward...back into truth. it's like i can't escape Him.

and i am thankful. thankful. thankful.

for His grace and persistence and relentless love.

i am not worthy, but am still a recipient.
for He is good.