it's been a long year. 2009 wasn't easy for this girl.
i began by leaving North Central...the city...my friends...my job...my spiritual soaking place. i moved 'home'; a place that my parents had lived for less than a year and that i'd visited only once. i have spent the last year wallowing in the deepest loneliness i have ever felt. i have been so up and down with my dedication to God that it makes me sick. i have searched and searched and searched for fulfillment in a lot of empty and dark places. i have come to realize my foolishness...and am learning to regret and accept my poor decisions more and more everyday. i have finally seen and am beginning to learn about one of the most obvious truths ever...that Jesus holds onto me no matter what.
all to say...2009 was a rough year for me.
today i ran in the 32nd annual St. Patricks day race in St. Louis.
i have been sporadically (and poorly) training for this race for about 6 weeks.
i went alone.
i ran alone.
5 miles in 1 hour & 3 minutes.
i did well.
i did great.
i was/am extremely proud of myself.
when i rounded that corner...knees weak, lungs tired, feet a'burnin' ... i saw the finish line and i was glad that it was almost over. knowing that the end was so close, i almost slowed down...i almost walked. almost. but instead i picked up my pace. i ran faster. i started passing people. one after the other, i watched them slowly fall behind me as i raced towards the finish line. and when i approached, i could not believe the time on the clock. ticking away, it read 1:03:15. my mind raced with disbelief...I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES. i thought for sure i'd finish in an hour and twenty minutes or so. as i crossed over that line and my pace slowed, i couldn't believe that i did so well. my first race ever and i not only finished, but i exceeded my own (realistic) expectations. after i'd worked my way through the thousands of people to the sidewalk and began the trek back to my car, i searched for my phone. when my mom answered and i told her my finishing time the reality of my success sunk in. tears welled in my eyes and my voice cracked. my mom didn't know it but i started crying right there on the city sidewalk with 9,000 people around me. we hung up after she congratulated me and tears burned behind my eyes. i felt dumb ... i didn't know why i was almost crying ... so i didn't let the tears out. i walked to my car in the basement of a garage and as soon as i fell into the drivers seat of my car and pulled the door shut, the tears came out. rushing. lots of them. i couldn't stop crying. i kept saying, "i did it. and i did it well. i did it."
i cried almost the my whole drive home.
36 minutes of tears and disbelief.
this was the first time i have ever been proud of myself.
my first real accomplishment.
my first victory over a challenge.
my first unique achievement ...
and it feels great.
i think today marked a new beginning for me.
today felt beautiful and rewarding.
i gained a little of my confidence back.
Jesus helped me finish that race for a reason.
early morning shot ... with my two super heroes in capes to wish me luck!
1 Corinthians 9
24Do you not know that in a race all the runners run,
but only one gets the prize?
Run in such a way as to get the prize.
25Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.