Monday, December 6, 2010

losing friends is a strange thing to have to do.
especially when you don't open yourself up to a huge array of people. when one of them that you did invest in, talk with, live life with, laugh and cry in front of, learn to love ... when they take off, there floods a whole chorus of emotions that one must sift through and organize and figure out.

over the last year or so i have been going through the process of losing a friend. 
working through it on my own really, he ducked out of the whole "let's call this thing off" part. just disappeared. after five years of long distant frienship, a couple roadtrips to visit each other and a lifetime of memories (at least for me) of how we met ... 

POOF.  P O W .  GONE. 
right out of my life. 

we haven't spoken in at least a year, and i still am not sure how to feel or what to think about it all. i am a little mad still. i think he's a jerk ... a lot of the time.  but i thought that even when we were friends ... that's kind of just part of him. i think he's arrogant and that he doesn't respond well when his ego gets knocked around a little. i think that he's overly competitive unlike me ... ;) 
and likes things to happen only on his terms. 

but you know what else ... 
i think he is kind. i think he's one of the most thoughtful and protective people i have ever met. i think he's intelligent and a good impeccable thinker and interested in things that so many people in today's world aren't. i think he tries to cover up his goodness too much. i think he is fun and hilarious. i think he dreams huge. i think he has guts and a certain power within him that is uncommon in Godly men these days. i think i have never had to lose somebody that i've loved ...
that he made himself the first. 

he was my friend ... for real. he was really my friend. i cared about him, and wondered how his days were, and kept pictures of him on my walls, and thought of him fondly. it's so weird ... i don't really understand how people can just do away with relationship. how does that work? it just seems mean. bitter. cold. foolish. 
but he's not mean. i don't think he was trying to be mean. that's not really his way. it had to have been something else. don't ask me what, because i cannot answer ... but, over and over again, i can't let my final conclusion be that it's just because he's mean. he's not. he's good. 

anyway ... just something that i was thinking about today 
& i wanted it out from inside of me. 
that's all.